I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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