I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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