Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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