I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Pants are for mortals
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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