I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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