Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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