I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
