just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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