I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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