If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
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I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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