Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
