my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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