70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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