Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
