I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
