xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
