I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize