if i can run in heels then i can drive
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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