I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
