I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
