hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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