The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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