I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He did a backflip because drugs
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