He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
