I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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