i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
