His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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