Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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