Define "chronic" masturbator.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
