so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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