if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
