This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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