youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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