I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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