i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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