she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
