just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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