I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
