And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
