When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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