Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
