Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
