i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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