I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
