a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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