I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
