Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
