"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
