I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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