I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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