we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
