fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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