yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
